Work

So tonight is my first night back to work after my stretch off. And for some stupid reason, (money) I signed up to work on my only day off therefore putting myself into a stretch of eight days straight! I am trying to determine if that is a good thing or a bad thing as far as my eating is concerned. When I am around other people I tend not to eat as much. I don't want them to know about my ED nor do I want their judgemental looks that I already feel I get to be stronger. Part of me knows that those judgements are in my head. I just automatically assume that everyone that looks at me, judges me. And why not assume that...after the way I have been treated by others in my life, I have come to expect it.

So this morning while I was finishing getting things ready before taking a nap and getting ready to head to work for the night, I decided to go to the grocery store. I believe that I made some smart choices. I bought frozen single packaged vegetables and frozen Lean Cuisines, knowing that I will be too tired to cook. I got a prepackaged bag of salad and then some other pretty smart snack items. I should be all set for the very long week ahead of me. But will I stay on the path I have set out for myself?

Tonight has been hard. I had some leftovers right before work and then later in the night I had a small salad. I feel hungry but don't know if that is physical or mental. I am unable to distinguish anymore the difference between my physical hunger and my emotional or disordered hunger. Based on what I have eaten so far tonight, I can make the intelligent decision that I am physically hungry at this point and can allow myself to eat again. I have to vegetables with garlic butter and some crackers and spread in the fridge that I brought with me.

The urge to go downstairs to our little "market" (a mini-store/cafeteria of sorts) is overwhelming right now. I want the pizza, the doughnuts, the chips, the ice cream, the chocolate, the candy...I want it all. I was so proud of myself at the grocery store for walking past all of those items. It was so incredibly difficult for me to do, but I did it.

There is an OA beginners meeting on Saturday morning. I get done with work at 7:15 and the meeting is at 8:30. I figure by the time I leave work, drive over there, park, and find the right room, that will be a good time for me to go. I have fully decided whether or not I am going to go but I think it would be a good idea for me.

I brought my books with me to work tonight ("Life without ED" and "I can't stop eating") along with a journal I started last year when I first started reading "Life without ED". My plan was to start the book over and begin journaling over again. However, the position I am working at the hospital tonight, does not give me my own report area where I have a separate room away from the main break/conference room. And as I talked about before, I am too embarrassed/ashamed to bring these books out in front of people, coworkers, friends, or strangers. Maybe tomorrow night I will have a different area that I am covering and will be able to read them in private.

Books

I went on the search for some books to help with my recovery today. I had a few hints from people online so I thought I would go look. It was amazing to me #1 How few books I could find and #2 of the books I did find, a lot of them were mostly geared specifically toward anorexia and bulimia. Now I had issues with bulimia in high school but now I fall more into the category of COE and binging. I have bulimic tendencies ocassionally. Sometimes the urge to vomit after a binge is more than I can stand.

My shopping trip today just made me realize how insignificant people feel food addiction still is. While online I did find more options for food addiction books, but why not in the stores? There were a handful and that was it. But you turned to depression, ADHD, OCD etc and there were shelves lined with books on the topic.

I ended up at half-price books (a used bookstore) and found a book called "Why can't I stop eating?". I found that I was rather embarassed to take it to the counter. I had found a few other books while I was there (I spend so much money when I go to bookstores :) ) and I hid this book in the middle of the rest of them.

Then once I got home, I placed my bags of shopping on the kitchen table and knowing that my roommate (and one of my closest friends) would be interested in what books I got, I took this one book out and brought it straight to my room, even though she knows I have issues with food. I am not sure if she is aware of the relapse I am facing right now but I didn't want her to see the book. Why is this such an issue of shame? I need help and I should be able to ask for it right? Then why can't I?

Knee-high to a grasshopper

I really don't remember a time when I wasn't having problems with food or weight. As my Mum would say, I've been having issues with food since I was knee-high to a grasshopper. I have gone up and down and in and out of all the diets and counselling there is I'm pretty sure. Even tried the cabbage soup diet. The soup was pretty good...the diet sucked. In high school I realized that nothing was really working and that purging was a fantastic idea! I could eat whatever I wanted and not put on any weight. I didn't lose any weight...put I didn't gain either. And my best friend and I could continue our affair. I don't really remember what made me stop purging. I still did it infrequently. But I stopped doing it every day and I don't remember why. The binging never stopped though. That was always there.

I was doing really well. I lost almost 40lbs, I was eating healthy and not starving myself and allowing myself the occasional treat. I thought I had finally done it. I had finally conquered my food addiction and disorder. Not so much. A few things all happened in a row that sent me into some emotional eating. I've always done it so it didn't surprise me but what has surprised me is my inability to stop. It's been three months since this all started and I'm still going. I'm still buying massive amounts of food and waiting till I'm alone to eat it. Or hiding it under my bed and eating it alone in my room. Or going to the drive-thru and ordering enough food for two or three people and eating it all....as long as no one is watching. The part I can't get over is that it's not like I don't know what I'm doing. I think about it and plan it out before I do it. I even hesitate and know that I will feel terrible afterwards but then do it anyway because it will feel good at the time. I haven't purged yet but the urge for me to do it is so strong I can barely stand it. I just don't know what to do...why can't I stop eating???

Sticks and stones.

Remember the old saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" ? I was told that by my parents over and over again as a child to help me stand up to the bullies that surrounded my every day life. It's bull. The words that I heard over and over again in school, on the playground, outside my home, even as an adult...have hurt and have changed they way I live my life. I've always been the fat kid. Always. I have some pictures of me from when I was about three where I was smaller but I don't have any recall of ever being "thin". As a result, I was the target for the bullies...as a child, as an adolescent, as an adult. I put on a brave front around them. Their words didn't bother me I told myself. I think I was pretty believable...to them anyway.

After turning to others for comfort for some time and getting the same response of "ignore them" or the "sticks and stones..." I found my new best friend. Food. It didn't judge me. It didn't tell me what to do. It didn't make fun of me. No matter how big I got or how much I ate, it was always there. Food was the perfect comfort. As I grew older, it comforted me through other things too. Bad grades, not being invited to parties, the boy who wouldn't pay attention to the fat girl. It went with me when I moved 4000 miles away from everything I ever knew and left behind all friends and family besides my parents. It was right beside me as members of my family and friends of mine passed away. It is unwavering in it's comfort and support. Who could ask for anything more?

Eventually that comfort and support started to show more and more around the waistline. So naturally, instead of letting go of my best friend and using him as a means to live not something to live for, I started purging. It was the perfect solution. Eat all I want and not gain anymore weight. The only problem was, my Mum caught on, so I couldn't do it at home around her. So when I was at home, my comfort was just my comfort...I couldn't just abondon it after all we had been through together. Counselling didn't work. I mean it did...for short periods but then I was just right back to where I started again. I got to my highest weight at the age of 20 at 273lbs. I saw that 300lb mark right around the corner on the scale and couldn't take it anymore. I started eating properly. I started exercising...the weight started dropping off. I felt great! People started noticing that I was losing weight, I lost a few pant sizes, I stopped purging...it was fantastic. Why can't anything good last? Relapses suck! But this time I didn't want to purge anymore. I was hurting myself so much by doing that. So binging and not purging was a much better idea right?

So that is where I am at right now...and for some reason I am struggling with it more right now than I have in quite a while. I decided to start this blog just for somewhere to get my thoughts out. And if I can relate to others and maybe help others in the process, that would be awesome too. Food is ruling my life and I don't know how to stop it. You can't just quit food. It's not like alcohol or drugs. Those you can quit and take yourself away from. But food you need to live. And that sucks!