Knee-high to a grasshopper

I really don't remember a time when I wasn't having problems with food or weight. As my Mum would say, I've been having issues with food since I was knee-high to a grasshopper. I have gone up and down and in and out of all the diets and counselling there is I'm pretty sure. Even tried the cabbage soup diet. The soup was pretty good...the diet sucked. In high school I realized that nothing was really working and that purging was a fantastic idea! I could eat whatever I wanted and not put on any weight. I didn't lose any weight...put I didn't gain either. And my best friend and I could continue our affair. I don't really remember what made me stop purging. I still did it infrequently. But I stopped doing it every day and I don't remember why. The binging never stopped though. That was always there.

I was doing really well. I lost almost 40lbs, I was eating healthy and not starving myself and allowing myself the occasional treat. I thought I had finally done it. I had finally conquered my food addiction and disorder. Not so much. A few things all happened in a row that sent me into some emotional eating. I've always done it so it didn't surprise me but what has surprised me is my inability to stop. It's been three months since this all started and I'm still going. I'm still buying massive amounts of food and waiting till I'm alone to eat it. Or hiding it under my bed and eating it alone in my room. Or going to the drive-thru and ordering enough food for two or three people and eating it all....as long as no one is watching. The part I can't get over is that it's not like I don't know what I'm doing. I think about it and plan it out before I do it. I even hesitate and know that I will feel terrible afterwards but then do it anyway because it will feel good at the time. I haven't purged yet but the urge for me to do it is so strong I can barely stand it. I just don't know what to do...why can't I stop eating???