Work

So tonight is my first night back to work after my stretch off. And for some stupid reason, (money) I signed up to work on my only day off therefore putting myself into a stretch of eight days straight! I am trying to determine if that is a good thing or a bad thing as far as my eating is concerned. When I am around other people I tend not to eat as much. I don't want them to know about my ED nor do I want their judgemental looks that I already feel I get to be stronger. Part of me knows that those judgements are in my head. I just automatically assume that everyone that looks at me, judges me. And why not assume that...after the way I have been treated by others in my life, I have come to expect it.

So this morning while I was finishing getting things ready before taking a nap and getting ready to head to work for the night, I decided to go to the grocery store. I believe that I made some smart choices. I bought frozen single packaged vegetables and frozen Lean Cuisines, knowing that I will be too tired to cook. I got a prepackaged bag of salad and then some other pretty smart snack items. I should be all set for the very long week ahead of me. But will I stay on the path I have set out for myself?

Tonight has been hard. I had some leftovers right before work and then later in the night I had a small salad. I feel hungry but don't know if that is physical or mental. I am unable to distinguish anymore the difference between my physical hunger and my emotional or disordered hunger. Based on what I have eaten so far tonight, I can make the intelligent decision that I am physically hungry at this point and can allow myself to eat again. I have to vegetables with garlic butter and some crackers and spread in the fridge that I brought with me.

The urge to go downstairs to our little "market" (a mini-store/cafeteria of sorts) is overwhelming right now. I want the pizza, the doughnuts, the chips, the ice cream, the chocolate, the candy...I want it all. I was so proud of myself at the grocery store for walking past all of those items. It was so incredibly difficult for me to do, but I did it.

There is an OA beginners meeting on Saturday morning. I get done with work at 7:15 and the meeting is at 8:30. I figure by the time I leave work, drive over there, park, and find the right room, that will be a good time for me to go. I have fully decided whether or not I am going to go but I think it would be a good idea for me.

I brought my books with me to work tonight ("Life without ED" and "I can't stop eating") along with a journal I started last year when I first started reading "Life without ED". My plan was to start the book over and begin journaling over again. However, the position I am working at the hospital tonight, does not give me my own report area where I have a separate room away from the main break/conference room. And as I talked about before, I am too embarrassed/ashamed to bring these books out in front of people, coworkers, friends, or strangers. Maybe tomorrow night I will have a different area that I am covering and will be able to read them in private.