Sticks and stones.

Remember the old saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" ? I was told that by my parents over and over again as a child to help me stand up to the bullies that surrounded my every day life. It's bull. The words that I heard over and over again in school, on the playground, outside my home, even as an adult...have hurt and have changed they way I live my life. I've always been the fat kid. Always. I have some pictures of me from when I was about three where I was smaller but I don't have any recall of ever being "thin". As a result, I was the target for the bullies...as a child, as an adolescent, as an adult. I put on a brave front around them. Their words didn't bother me I told myself. I think I was pretty believable...to them anyway.

After turning to others for comfort for some time and getting the same response of "ignore them" or the "sticks and stones..." I found my new best friend. Food. It didn't judge me. It didn't tell me what to do. It didn't make fun of me. No matter how big I got or how much I ate, it was always there. Food was the perfect comfort. As I grew older, it comforted me through other things too. Bad grades, not being invited to parties, the boy who wouldn't pay attention to the fat girl. It went with me when I moved 4000 miles away from everything I ever knew and left behind all friends and family besides my parents. It was right beside me as members of my family and friends of mine passed away. It is unwavering in it's comfort and support. Who could ask for anything more?

Eventually that comfort and support started to show more and more around the waistline. So naturally, instead of letting go of my best friend and using him as a means to live not something to live for, I started purging. It was the perfect solution. Eat all I want and not gain anymore weight. The only problem was, my Mum caught on, so I couldn't do it at home around her. So when I was at home, my comfort was just my comfort...I couldn't just abondon it after all we had been through together. Counselling didn't work. I mean it did...for short periods but then I was just right back to where I started again. I got to my highest weight at the age of 20 at 273lbs. I saw that 300lb mark right around the corner on the scale and couldn't take it anymore. I started eating properly. I started exercising...the weight started dropping off. I felt great! People started noticing that I was losing weight, I lost a few pant sizes, I stopped purging...it was fantastic. Why can't anything good last? Relapses suck! But this time I didn't want to purge anymore. I was hurting myself so much by doing that. So binging and not purging was a much better idea right?

So that is where I am at right now...and for some reason I am struggling with it more right now than I have in quite a while. I decided to start this blog just for somewhere to get my thoughts out. And if I can relate to others and maybe help others in the process, that would be awesome too. Food is ruling my life and I don't know how to stop it. You can't just quit food. It's not like alcohol or drugs. Those you can quit and take yourself away from. But food you need to live. And that sucks!